The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

Thoughts
Listening to: FFVII:Advent Children OST

I have been thinking a lot this last week. I didn't really have anyone over last week outside of my couch warmer (Elise). Elise lives here pretty much, and oddly I enjoy her company, even if we are doing our own thing (me playing a videogame, her chatting with her friends online). Once in a great while we will start talking, asking each other for advice or just making fun of each other. Actually, her and I are a lot like the way Dave and I are. Just sit and do our own thing. I don't feel crowded or feel like my privacy is being invaded because Elise is there all the time. It is odd. I rarely find people like that. Come to think of it, Dave is really the only other person. Molly would be on that list, but when I played videogame around her I felt guilty of not giving her attention. That's only because we never saw each other. I bet she would be on the list if we seen each other more often.

Anywho... I kept to myself a lot and tried to act cheery for those around me. Inside I was sorting things out in my life though. I was even thinking in my sleep. I came to a lot of conclusions.

Before Katie and I started dating, I was really scared to go with her. I had a lot of reasons I knew of, but something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. It wasn't just her though. Danielle too. I gave up on Danielle, which to this day may be a mistake in my book, and a select few of others who have come along. I distance myself.

Two highlights in my life I was more than happy. I felt on top of the world. With Charity and with Molly. I lost Charity because I wasn't a good enough Christian. This I am almost sure is the reason I walked away from the religion. It took a long time for me to find that happiness again. Then I met Molly. Sure she was 3 hours away, but the fact that I was happy knowing we were together gave me the urge to want to stay with her. No matter what. In the end, she was ripped away from me too. So suddenly too. My happiness, my heart, ripped right away from me. No matter how hard I fought to get it back, it only fell further and further away.

This leads me to my conclusion.

I am scared of being happy again. Burned in the back of my mind are memories that at one time made me happy but now make me sad. Unconciously, I fear those memories. I fear that whole part of my brain.

I am scared of happiness. I will eventually find another girl, but may miss the opportunity because of my fear of having the happiness ripped away again. I locked myself down, hid myself away and put on a front. This front blinds me from whether or not a girl is coming on to me. Unless she is upfront, I am completly oblivious.

I know who I am now. I know who I was in the past. I can't change back into the old me just for someone. But why would I want to? I have become a better person in everyones eyes. Someone everyone can always run to for shelter, protection and advice. It has always been my ambition to be this person. I want to be everyone's hero. I want to be someone's special hero though. Someone's Spider Man. *laugh* I am such a kid sometimes.

I guess what I am trying to say is, maybe I should whipe away the past because that was the old me. I want to be the new me and not fear my memories. Not fear of being rejected and having a happiness ripped away from me. Easier said than done though. I can't be as strong if I hold onto my hearts past.

I am happy with who I am. I am not ashamed of my DBZ action figures in my window, my insanely huge collection of videogames and anime, or the fact that I am a geek. This has always made me what someone referred to me as "a fun person". I'll just have to wait until someone comes along who enjoys the fact that I don't care what others think of me. Aiy, I will finish my thoughts some other time.

One more week...

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 9:33 PM