The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

What a ride.
Listening to: Bohemian Like You by the Dandy Warhols

I am starting to understand the meaning of life. It's not to let things get you down. One giant game where you are to try and stay on top at all costs. You shouldn't loose. If something is in your way, it's either a test or it's not supposed to be there.

I came to this conclusion laying in bed the other night. The other night was definetly weird. Let me fill everyone in about this last week or two.

I hit rock bottom last week. Totally lost, confused and sad. After venting on a disclosed location and recieving a comment from a close friend and family member, I thought on everything. I realize I was just lost in my own Emo world. A world I don't visit to often because frankly I hate being sad. It's just so depressing.

Dave has been staying with me for about two weeks now. This was definetly cool because I have missed my close friends the most. Ryan and Dave always pulled me out of my stoopers. Katie and Elise have been coming over nearly everynight since then too. Dave and I knew that telling one about the other would be like telling them indirectly, so I played the opposite cards. I would tell Elise that I really liked Katie and I would tell Katie that Dave liked Elise. This worked out in a nice way. I would discover from Katie that Elise liked Dave too. I would discover from Elise that Katie liked me as well. Heh. Soooo....

The for a few nights, Katie and I would find our fingers lacing each others. I told her at work that I wanted to talk about everything from the last week. She agee'd but with Dave and Elise always being with us, we NEVER got to talk. On MySpace I messaged her and told her how I've felt about her. I wanted to know how she felt.

I know this seems like a childish way to do this, but guess what? I don't care. It works.

She never messaged back. Instead, we were sitting on the couch later that night, all of us. As I was playing on my laptop, I felt someone grab my hand. I didn't even look. I just smiled and held on back. Then I felt her head rest down on my shoulders. That seems to be a favorite spot of hers. Either on my chest or on my shoulders.

I believe I already covered most of this in my last post... or maybe it was on my "other" blog... I dunno. I asked her as I walked her to her car if she would be bothered by me kissing her. She smiled at me and said "No... not TO upset." So we kissed. It last maybe 30 seconds but I could feel her shaking. My guess, she was new to kissing.

Later the next day Elise comes into my apartment and says "I heard you kissed Katie?" Me still being in bed on the futon, rolled over to face her. I said "yeah, it was nice." She then said "You are her first kiss Marcus!" My eyes went wide. I am still on that thought. I don't remember my first kiss. HOW!? How has she missed a first kiss until now!? I am someone's first kiss. That also means she is a virgin. She is new to the WHOLE relationship thing. There is so many pluses to this. I am ALWAYS going to seem really good, virgins tend to hold on a lot more because it's emotional, and they tend to be more trusting.

I am not looking to jump head first into a relationship. Knowing the above, I DON'T want to hurt her. I actually care about her, and our friendship a lot. Elise means a lot to me as well. If Katie and I had a falling out, Elise would be effected too. That would suck. So right now, I am looking at Katie as a really close friend I know I could turn to. Even though I haven't talked to her about personal things, I have been really comfortable talking to her about everything else.

She is into anime, videogames, the same music as me, AND her brother is an uber geek that thinks on the same pattern as Dave and I.

Then, the other night, her and Elise came over. I was sitting on the floor in front of her. She was sitting on the futon. She started playing with my hair. Within 10 minutes I was sleeping. I woke up when something loud came from the TV. Seeing Dave and Elise had pretty much taken over the couch, I pulled my twin sized matress into the living room, and Katie and I layed there. We watched Christmas cartoons, and cuddled. Eventually, I pulled out my laptop as I worked on some programming. She cuddled with me and watched on as I did this. After struggling with some pixel cordination, I called it quits and turned my laptop off. When I closed my eyes, I could feel Katie curl up to me and her arm went over me. I fell asleep quickly.

Every hour though I kept waking up. I was not used to having someone sleep next to me. I got up and went and got something to drink. I stood in the dark and sipped down my beverage. I watched everyone else and suddenly I realized what the difference in my life was. My Christmas spirit was being held down by the burden on everything that went down before with Molly. As broken as I was about her, I still loved her and I needed to make everything better for her before I said my goodbye. I decided it was time to grab life by the nuts and start taking control again. I couldn't just run from my problems anymore. If life wasn't going to rewind in events, than I must move on. I don't like to leave destruction in my path. Who knows when I may have to walk back down it.

I finished my drink, crawled back into bed, and fell back asleep. Katie and Elise said I snore. *laughs* Oh yeah, I must've passed out. Or maybe it was the fact I was laying on my back. Before getting up and going to work, Katie and I made out a little while longer. I knew she was going to pick up her brother later that day so I got my fill before saying by for a week or two. What I didn't know was she actually got up enough courage to actually bring her brother over here. She was affraid he would smash my face to a pulp. The cool thing was, we got a long great. We talked about geeky things we found online, and stuff we were into, such as Final Fantasy XI, Everquest, and World of Warcraft. I passed. He thinks I am cool.

Yuji came over last night as well. Yuji is the guy I met on my way home from Molly's last time. He came to see Aerosmith in concert and I gave him a place to stay for the night. He and I played Guitar and Keyboard after the girls left. We actually learned a lot from each other.

Today, Dave, Yuji and I sat around learning Japanese. That was cool because I was learning first hand with pronunciation.

Overall, I think I have finally found the key to being happy. I just can't figure out how else to put it into words. Hmmmm.

Well I have many things to do yet tonight, err this morning. So I end my post here. Night ya'll. I still can't help but feel like I am forgetting something. OH YEAH! I got my first Christmas decoration for our mini tree. Yunyu gave it to me! It's chinese!

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 1:52 AM