The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

If you aren't part of the cure, you're part of the problem.
Watching:

Dave sent this to me. I find it quite humerous. I am not smoking as much any more. Infact, nearly not at all. It seems like an idea to help me go numb again though.

A)Smoking shortens life
B)Death is inevitable
C)Delaying the inevitable is pointless
D)Not smoking delays the inevitable
E) Not smoking is pointless

So yeah, lately I have felt like my life is meaningless. I feel like a failure. Empty, disappointed, alone, angry and used. I haven't felt this way since... well since after Charity broke up with me. Everything I felt when her and I split, has come back again.

I have been restless and yet so exhausted lately. I lay in bed at night, er, morning and as I fall asleep I stare at the ceiling as I find myself constantly asking things like "Why is my life a very ugly pattern?" and "Is God really there?" I want to go back in time and change things. Knowing I can't, I am seeing my past run through my head. The only way I can go back. When I wake up, everything is as it seems. Desolate.

I forgot what I wanted out of life. As I write this I am watching Jerry Mqquire. It starts to bring back my dreams, and who I shared them with. Those people are gone. Gone because either I did something to make them walk away, or I walked away. I am a fuck up. My soft heart has a flaw. For every ounce of love and compassion it is capable of holding, it holds the equal amount of hate and bitterness. A very vengeful heart. I have always been good at keeping all that anger and pain pent up inside me... and I never once said shit I didn't mean to Molly. Not like I did the other night. But damn it, afterwords, I cried hard. I'm an asshole. I always said I was, and now I believe it. I am not gonna turn into my father when he was my age.

I kinda blew off being with Danielle this last week. She wanted me to come home and she wanted to drive me back to Grand Rapids, but I wouldn't let her. To avoid the later, I just stayed her in GR. Missing an opportunity to work and make some money to catch up with bills. Why? Because I am bitter towards the female population again. Right before I met Molly, I thought that all woman were the same. Cheats, heartbreakers, liars, and decievers. When I met her, I regained my trust in the world. I thought I finally found someone who I could give my heart to and trust to hold. Now that I was proven wrong once again, how am I supposed to deal with it? UGH!?!?!

Every night this last week, Dave and I have been hanging out with two girls I go to school with. Katie and Elise. Elise was in my 2D and writing class. Her roomate, I work with. She started working the same day I did. Infact she got the job I didn't want. *snickers* I should have taken it. She has a desk.

Dave thinks Elise is really cute and fun to be with. She is a pervert on the same level we are. We even think the same sometimes. Katie I think is cute. I like talking to her, even though she is the quietest person I know. She doesn't talk much.

One night when I got her to talk, I asked her what the one thing is that pisses her off and makes her angry is. Me knowing what my answer is, I was caught way offgaurd by hers.

"I hate it when people cheat. Adultry, betrayel, lies." My jaw fell when she said that. Finally, a girl I know who is fueled by the same hate.

She was laying on the couch, and I was sitting on the edge playing on my laptop at the coffee table. I leaned back and spanned my arms back over the futon. My arms then fell to the sides, and after a few minutes, I felt fingers playing with mine. The rest of the night, we had our fingers interlaced, and I even fell asleep on the couch for about 20 minutes next to her.

I dunno what last night was about. I haven't talked with her about it yet. I don't even know what she thinks. If this is something, I am not gonna fuck this up. "You were to blame as well." I don't know how I was to blame other than ending the last relationship but damn it, I WILL NOT FUCK UP NEXT TIME. I am taking this REALLY slow. I will not have my heart handed over to someone who is selfish and irresponsable.

I have a lot to think on yet. So I am cutting this off early. Night.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 1:03 AM