The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

Closure
Listening to: The dead silence of my apartment.

Saturday night was a night I didn't know how to predict. I was so scared. I was shaking nervously. I snagged one of Jared's... Or maybe it was one of Joey's smokes. I sat with Mom in the living room watching Christmas love stories, smoking to try and settle down. You know the kind of movies where in the end, things always end up ok. But that only happens in the movies right? I was bracing myself. For the first time since before that night in September, I was going to see Molly. I was going to see the girl that haunted my dreams and lit up my nightmares for so long. I was nervous. I have never been nervous about seeing the girl I love.

Why? Why was I so scared? Could have been that maybe I was afraid that she would be hostile toward me. Did she intimidate my heart? Was I afraid of rejection, even as a friend? Or was I afraid to hurt at the sight of her?

From the moment I saw her walk out the door of her Grand parents house, till the time I drove away, my heart was pumping at a 1,000 miles an hour.

Her and I talked. We talked about a lot. I would tell her everything. I spilled to her about Danielle and I. About our first kiss. About the girls I have hooked up with since her, and about my bitter pain towards it all. The things I did in spite of her. The reason I smoke. The bare truth, and every thought I compiled this last 3 months. I even gave her the list of 30 things I knew I missed about our relationship. The highlights that made it all worth while. She would tell me one thing, then reveal later she wasn't telling the complete truth and reveal more.

We kissed. I couldn't walk away that night not knowing what the kiss felt like now. As I suspected. I didn't feel any magic from her end. I felt like mine was being fed in, but no output. Which makes me sad. Was she even kissing back, or did I imagine it all? I kissed her many times over and over hoping for a different result each time, and still in the end, nothing.

On the bed in my old bedroom, I leaned against the wall and I held her. We talked, and our fingers interlaced. Our goodbye wasn't turning out to be a goodbye. It was turning out to be more of a get well/good luck. Goodbye's are forever. Is that what we really wanted?

...never...

As much as it hurt me to hear about her and Aaron, and her new lifestyle, I beat that demon down, so as it wouldn't surface. When I wrapped my arms around her, I shed one tear before cutting myself off. I refused to cry. I knew what would happen. If I started letting go in her arms, she would loose it. I could see in her eyes how hard she was trying not to cry. When she cries, I am vulnerable. I break down harder. Nope, not this time. I wasn't going to make her cry. I didn't want her to take this hard. As much as she has acted like she hasn't cared, and as much as she has acted tough, I knew her inside and out. She wasn't. She did care and acting tough was a front for the little princess she was inside.

I looked into her eyes one last time before turning away. All I got to say was "I love you." What I really wanted to say I didn't have the time for. Her parents being there and all.

"After all the pain and troubles I went through staying with you, it was worth it. Maybe one day our paths will cross in the future. Until then, you're my dream and I don't want you to fade away. Thank you."

It wasn't closure. It wasn't a good bye. In a way, it was a "See you again. Good luck. Thank you."

Also, in an insignificant note... I got my things back. My sweater, blanket, shirts... I returned my TOC Buddy... Diabletto. 1 year, 6 months or so I had him. He always stared down from my monitor. I am actually gonna miss seeing him up there. I have been so used to it. Next to Molly and Axe, and Melody, the other three ducks. Diabletto though, was king of them all and so young. *laugh* Geez, it's bad when I go off in a fictional rant about rubber ducks.

Here and I have been making a lot of effort to patch things up between us. We have weaved to many threads to cut away. Our family, friends... either way, we will cross paths. After all, it was through Brian that I met her.

I finally feel at peace. Like something ended right for once. I won't forget that last look into her eyes before I walked away though.

Eyes On Me
------------------
Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

*Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than dressed and a voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 11:44 PM