The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

Labor Day Weekend
Listening to: My mind collapsing, my heart screaming. My soul vanishing.

When I woke up this morning, the first thing that entered my mind was a day that has stayed in my mind fresh, and clear as a blue sky.

2 years ago, I woke up and went to church. After church, I was invited to the Hendersons to have lunch, but something told me to just go home. So I went home, and Brian came over. He invited me to Curt's horseshoe tournament. I went along. Afterwards, he talked me into going to his family camp. I wasn't going to go, but I finally said screw it and did.

When I arrived, he introduced me to his family members that I hadn't met. Then I met her. The woman who changed my life forever. This girl, she had some issues she was working on... because of friendship issues, guy issues, and self security. Buther and I connect that night. We fit together like a puzzle. PErfectly.

That night, we went back to Brian's house and watched "Young Frankenstine". During that movie, I threw a pillow over her cousins face, and kissed her. Our intemacy didn't end there though. We slept in the same bed and I held her all night long. Kissing, petting, holding. I ran my fingers through her hair, and finally, after two years of searching, I found someone I could be with. I found the woman who would change my life forever. Every adventure, every arguement, every embrace, was always a new, exciting rush. Even when she cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend, we were still together. I never gave up. I always hoped she was turning for the better.

She always cared... always showed it. Well, mostly. But when she didn't, it was a defense she would put up automatically. In the end, she ALWAYS came back around and realized her mistakes.

I am not saying I was always in the right, but when I would be out of line upset, it was because I was erecting a defense of my own. I didn't want to hurt again like Charity hurt me... not again.

She taught me so much. She helped me realize so much. She opened my eyes to so many different subjects.

My friends, have you ever felt the blade of un-wantedness... have you ever tasted the bitter, evil taste of being not important by the ones who are supposed to hold you otherwise? Parants who should protect you no matter what, and hold you dear to their hearts, and do everything in their power to keep you safe? What about fiances, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives...?

For people who claim love and don't show it. Damn you all. For people who are selfish, and irresponsable when it comes to doing what you are supposed to do... damn you. You people are the reason we have this kind of pain. But most of all, damn you ignorant bastards who refuse to face reality because you don't want to see yourself in the wrong, or in danger. Damn my soul to hell. Damn me.

But that is not all... you people who claim your unconditional love to someone, and continue to tell them how important they are, but put random, new people, especially of the opposite sex, before that loved one, fuck you. You people deserve to suffer everything I stated above. You people deserve to be alone, and unwanted, and you deserve to have your heart captivated, and then thrown away like your just baggage. Fuck you all. I hate you. I hate all of you. Even if you happen to be someone who captivated my heart. I hate you for doing this to me. I hate you for convincing me one thing, and showing and doing exactly opposite. Maybe I am being selfish.. maybe I am being greedy... but not like you were. You ditched your responsabilities... you ditched me... time and time again.

Now I hope you suffer this. I am sorry things turned out this way, and I am sorry if I did something... or didn't do something. I am sorry I couldn't live up to the other guys. I am sorry I failed as a boyfriend, but when you started doing this to me, I did what was best for me. And that was to rid myself of the constant pain. Every time you come to Shelby, I hope your heart throbs from that hole that isn't filled. I hope everytime you see something that had some sort of connection to me, that you remember what you had, and didn't work to keep. Being in a relationship is about making certain sacrafices... and you couldn't give up one fricken night of hanging out with those Michigan Tech fuck stains, even after being with them all day, to be with me, on our 2 year. You showed me how important I was to you. You showed me your true, evil, self centered, monster self. Now I let out my anger and my pain. You know what is sad? Is your best friend has been there for me more then you have.

I love you. I always have. But I will not let you hurt me over and over. I will find someone better then you... if there is such a thing. A guy can hope. If not, than I don't want to be with anyone. I wanted to be with you... forever. I wanted to make things work. You didn't. You showed that. You didn't even try to keep me. You didn't fight for me. Going out with them was more important then giving up the night to be there for me. You are horrible. I want this to burn into your mind. I want you to think of me constantly and realize what we had. All the times we had... the tears we shared, the memories forever burned in our heads. Our private moments. The things you said you could never feel with anyone else. I hope everything we ever shared, flashes constantly through your mind. Then, in the end... I hope you come crawling back to me. That just might show me how important I am. But in the end, for what? For you to do it again? God, why did my life have to turn out like this.

One thing I know though... I don't wish I could change it. I keep all this sacred in my heart. The best 2 years of my life... coming to an end, on this night. I would not go back and stop any of it, because I honostly mean this. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making me happy... even that long.

God... this seems like a letter to Molly... but it is not. It is what is running through my mind right now. I am going to go and drink my night away. I am starting to feel numb already. I will fall asleep and dream of nothing. I will not have nightmares. I will sleep a peaceful sleep. God I hurt. I feel so empty. So alone. Why does this stuff always seem to happen to me?

I was sitting with her family tonight. I felt comfortable. Completley comfortable. Welcomed. They... hey family... liked me. They let me come to their family camp, even without her. Now I am loosing that. I just hope she will find someone better then me. I am worthless. I am hopeless. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve her. Maybe I deserve to suffer. God I am so confused right now. I am freaking out. I don't know what to do. I left her. I left her on our 2 year because she didn't hold true. FUCK YOU GUYS FOR STEALING HER AWAY FROM ME. FUCK YOU ALL FOR STEALING HER HEART SO EASILY FROM ME. Jon...Molly's ex... I am sorry for putting you through this 2 years ago. I didn't mean to cause you this pain. Maybe that's all she knows how to do.

Good night everyone... good bye Molly. I hope you enjoy college, and I hope one thing. You keep sex sacred to your heart and not to their dicks.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 11:25 PM