The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

Heart In A Blender
Listening to: Walk Away by Dropkick Murphys

The last few days, it finally hit me what it is like to be lonely. Not having someone to hold you. Not being able to be held, or even look into someones eyes, and not have to say a word. Not like I really had it this last 2 years. Rarely I got it, but atleast I had someone there every night who looked foreward to talking to me. At least I had the knowledge of it.

It hit me hard... so hard it hurt. I started wondering why one morning Molly woke up and decided she didn't feel the same for me anymore. Why she, the person who was willing to walk 1000 miles for me, and do anything to keep me, woke up, and decided she just didn't want to put the effort towards it. Why did she stop caring?

I am confused as well. Of course, I have feelings for some girls. But I don't want to act on those. I mean... it's just so confusing right now. One is a small distance away. She is a girl I liked before Molly. Long distance things... just not in the books I guess. The others, well, I don't want to loose our friendships trying anything I am not totally sure about. I mean, what if they don't like me like that? It could effect the whole friendship aspects.

I am not over Molly yet either. I don't know how long it will take me, but I remember that moving on helped me get over Charity. So this is a path I might have to walk. Molly doesn't seem to care anymore, or even want to hold the last thread of what we had. So if I walk away, the thread will break, and it will be done. My back will be to her, and I will be walking away. It has never been in my nature to just walk away from my feelings. Especially ones this strong.

I don't know what is going on. My feelings are starting to become one giant unorganized mess. I am so confused. I know I care a lot about my friends. Am I starting to mix intimacy and care up with each other? Am I blending the two together? On top of everything else, I miss home. I miss my brother, and Jared. I miss the way things were a few years ago. I miss the good times we could all sit around and our biggest problem was how we were gonna pass our test tomorrow.

I feel like I blinked and missed a giant chunk of my life. My two closest friends are Kelli and Mike. I can always count on those two. Which is really weird for me. Mike and I were bestest of friends while we were younger, and grew apart. I didn't think we would ever be living together. Kelli, she was a friend of Molly's. One I met only a year ago, and I never really anticipated on her and I becoming so close. I feel like when I talk to her, everything seems to go away for a while. We can understand each other, and what the other is feeling. Both of our childhoods were lonely when it came to our parants. We both can't stand cheating in relationships. We both like the same movies, and she has an excellent taste in music. So yeah, I would say Mike and Kelli are my best friends. 2 people who I can always count on. Even if I don't go to them right away, I know I always can.

I think I am affraid of loosing the one closest to me again. So what do I do? How do I precent it when I don't even know what happened this last time? I am just a giant psychological mess right now. Ugh. I want to sleep but i just end up thinking while I sleep, and sleep gives images to go with it.

*yawn* Although, maybe I will sink into the bedroom and play my piano for awhile. I have a tune in my head that I want to learn to play. Maybe I will right words to it as well.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 12:36 AM