The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

The rant I need to get out.
Listening to: The wind blow through my slightly opened window.

I have a rant I never have really expressed because I was worried about ticking Molly off. Well I just don't care anymore. This is my blog. My rant spot. And I need to rant this damn it. This doesn't mean I don't love her, because God only knows how much I do. That's why we are still together.

I feel like a horrible boy friend. I sometimes think Molly would just be better to find a guy that is more in tune with her then I am. Tonight we got into an arguement about religion. She told me she marks herself as a "Catholic". I argued that she wasn't because she didn't believe in their teachings, didn't follow them, and she doesn't believe Jesus is the son of God. She says she still is a Catholic because she went through conformation when she did "believe". I told her that was then, this is now. She said "Americans are Americans because they live in America. They are confirmed Americans, and the only way to not be an American is to go through a process stating that they are not anymore. Same with Religion." Ugh, it was such a stupid argument. I can understand if she was Jewish. My friend JC is Jewish but not Jewish Religion. She makes it sound like being a Catholic is more then just a religion. It's a "title". *snickers...* A gang.... and she is the rebel without a clue.

The image of the future, our future, is becoming harder and harder to see. Especially when I am loosing any connection I have with her because she calls me stupid/moron/retard/etc and acts like I am by saying things like "Ugh I won't even bother TRYING to explain it to you."

Another thing that really ticks me off is her utter obsession with guys. Especially guys that want to be more then just her friend. She will go to one of these guys houses, knowing he will make moves and passes on her. She doesn't feel uncomfortable at all and gets all bent out of shape when I do. I will never trust these guys, ever. And I can't fully trust her with them either. I still dream at times of when she was with Scott and he kissed her. She lied to me, and hid it from me, and to her everything, including the kiss was A.O.K. It made it ok because Scott was more then her best friend. He was higher then her "lover". He was something else. She never apologized officialy to me about it either. That's what hurts the most. She knows it eats me up, and she can't just face up that she was wrong, and I was right when I told her it was going to happen. That kiss, that god damn mother fucking kiss... is drilling a hole right through my heart and Molly is in charge of the construction lease for it. I am in so much pain when I think about it. I have tried to forget it, but like I said, it's hard to forget something the woman you love believes to be ok. That's why I honostly believe it will, she will, do it again one day. I can't help but believe it. She hasn't given me a reason not to.

She keeps them around as "bitches" that fetch when she commands them to, and drool at her untill then. Her mom told her that it seems she doesn't like all her guy friends having girlfriends. She wants them to remain single. I am almost convinced she keeps Mark and the other guys around because if there ever comes a time her and I do part, she won't care because she will use them as rebounds. I feel like a bus and she is just on her way to the next station.

She broke my trust, and ask Sara, Charity, or Brittany.... it's the hardest thing to gain back completly. I don't even know if it is possible... my best friends I don't even trust completly. I don't even know one person I can fully rely on till death. I have no one. I can't even trust myself. I let myself fall into pain once more. I am with a girl who cheated on her bf with me. That NEVER works and I knew this. But I was still drawn to her. I refused to listen to my conscience. I hope I did the right thing cause everything is so surreal to me.

The last thing is how I have to get specific when asking her things. If I didn't ask her "Did so and so Kiss you?" she won't tell me. If I asked her 3 days later "Did so and so kiss you?" she will say something like "Yeah but I didn't tell you because I forgot. I think he kissed me. Maybe he tried and failed. I can't remember." She uses memory as an excuse. Well she WOULDN'T have this problem if she would just stay away from guys she CAN'T trust to not do that. James, Eric, Matt... these guys are friends of mine. I can trust them. I KNOW they would never try anything with Molly. I hate having to dig for information. WHen I brought this up last week, she just sat there. Had nothing to say to it. Everyone knows that sign. The guilty without an apology or I will not do it. "The quiete ones without remorse are the ones you stay away from." Everyone will be told that in their life at one point or another. I swear... these things.. they keep adding up. I am going to just say "Fuck it!!!" and walk out one day.

I want to trust her again... I want to believe she is not lying to me... I want to live without worry. I want to be care free and to know that I can trust she tells me Scott asked if he could have a kiss, or Mark kissed her and grabbed her boob. I hate fishing. I hate fishing for the truth even more. I just can't seem to land a normal girlfriend... a normal relationship. I always get the girl who knows how to be sneaky and loop-hole-ish. And to think everything was going fine till the day she brought Mark back. Then Scott. When they weren't there, I was learning to trust, and my wounds were healing.

Night like this I wish I could fall asleep, no dreams, and never wake up. Sleep the eternal sleep of no pain, no sadness, no grief. A place where it isn't a place. It's not a reality, not a dream world. Reality only hurts when you wake up. And I don't want to wake up any more.

It's just that lately, I have realized something. She doesn't want me talking to Mark why? She is hiding something. She hates it when I go to her friends for advice, why? Because she is hiding something. Communicating with the ones who are ALWAYS there is a pathway to knowing what goes on. She hates that. She can't "get away" with stuff if I have a ticket for that highway. So, lately I have just stopped caring. If I see fit, I will talk to Mark. If I need advice about Molly, I will talk to her best friend. I don't care if she talks to my friends. I told Molly about the night Ryan Dave and I drank in my basement. I tell her I smoke cigars at times, even with my mom. Why? Because I don't keep secrets from her. If she got mad about it, oh well, I would have to suck it up to her. But I can live happily with the fact that I am clean with her.

There was a blizzard tonight. I opened the door and the entire outside was white. It was a dark blue, almost black night, with a cold wind blowing thru carrying the white large flakes of snow. I walked out in my slippers, pjs, and senior sweater. I stood in the middle of our field just staring over the orchard, listening to the sound of the wind. It's like the wind was playing it's maladic aria of loneliness for me. My tears froze halfway down my cheeks. I lost it right there. I must've stood there for 15 minutes. Now I know. I need to give up. Any of you girls who tell me I am the perfect guy, your wrong. I am not. Infact, I am as worse as they come. I'm deep. I look to much into things. I try to find the truth in everything. This is why I have been hurt so many times by my previous girlfriends. You don't want me. I am a bad boyfriend. Ask them. Ask Molly. I am sure they will tell you.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 1:02 AM