The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

How to insult your local area with Barbie

Metro Muskegon Barbie Mattel announces the release of
models of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for the Metro
Muskegon Market:

Norton Shores Barbie: Has freshness date on package.
Do not buy after that date or product may be spoiled
rotten. Comes with no appreciation for how the other
95% live. Does not have career or an idea of what
makes her happy. When bought in conjunction with Hard
Working Ken, she will change her appearance, will gain
75 lbs., will cut her hair, and belittle anyone who
crosses her. No one, including Ken, is right, ever.
Ken's head melts after 17 years.

Wolf Lake Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in
her own Wrangler Jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR
shirt, and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her
shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors
Light, and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit
over 5 feet and can kick mullet-haired Kenny
doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pick-up
separately and get its Confederate flag bumper
stickers absolutely free. Comes with personal
concealed gun license.

North Muskegon Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with a
choice of a BMW sports car or a souped-up H2. Included
is her Starbucks cup, credit cards, and country club
membership. Also available for this set are Shallow
Ken and Private School Skipper.

Cloverville Barbie: This tobacco-chewing,
brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of high-heeled sandals
with one broken heel from the time she chased
beer-gutted Ken out of Taylor Barbie's house. Her
make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips
covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her
ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with
assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and
a white see-through halter top. Accessories include a
CD player equipped with BonJovi CD and a rusty old
Ford pickup.

Roosevelt Park Barbie: This Barbie is the same model
of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with
shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose,
and a bad haircut.

Whitehall Barbie: This doll, made of actual tofu, has
long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white
socks, no makeup, doesn't shave, and has a mutt. She
prefers that you call her "Willow." She thinks
everybody is a Republican.

Fruitport Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is
available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Chrysler
Town & Country minivan. Her vehicle is used for youth
athletic taxi service only. She gets lost easily and
has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell
phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Lakeside Barbie: This collagen-injected,
rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit
and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends
at the club. Limited clothing available. Designer
mini-skirts and CFM's constitute 90% of her wardrobe.
Percocet prescription available. Elderly Ken completes
this set. Pre-nup papers as worthless as the
Chinese-made paper they are printed on.

Muskegon Township Barbie: This model is only
available at the JC Penney Catalog Store or at any
parochial school bazaar. It cannot be purchased on
Saturday night (because of Trivia nights) or on
Sundays (Sunday school class). It comes with a case of
Strohs Beer (supplied by the coach), pork
steaks, a recipe for Hash Brown Casserole, a 1987
Plymouth Voyager, and one cell phone (circa 1982, big
as a toaster) with 15 anytime minutes. She is
wearing the latest fashion from Big Lots that she wore
on Easter Sunday. It also comes with Ken wearing the
latest MSU T-shirt (two sizes too small), a sack
of White Castles, and a 72 ounce Big Gulp.

Muskegon Heights Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie
comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy
with tinted windows, and her own Meth Lab kit. This
Barbie also comes with 6 children by four different
Kens.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 10:00 PM