The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

Another entry

I had something I was gonna write here, but I can't remember. Darn. Oh well. The last 2 days have been a drag down and a up lift at the same time. If I know you well enough, I know how to read you like a book. Ask any of the girls I have dated. Ask my friends. I have this awesome ability to look into your eyes, and figure out whats wrong. I love this ability because while I was with Charity, I always knew what was wrong, and it always freaked her out. Even if it was something that was on her mind. So, as I walked through the halls yesterday, I looked over at Charity, and for some reason, I looked into her eyes. She has one of the most beautiful set of eyes Ihave ever seen. I loved her eyes. As I looked though, I saw pain and torture. I could tell she had cried earlier that day, just by the way her face looked. I felt bad. I knew what I was gonna do.

So, at breakfast, I went and sat across from her because she sits by herself at the end of our usual table. I smiled at her, and she amazingly smiled back. I asked her what was wrong. She tried to hide a smile and turned her head away so as I wouldnt see it. She told me she didn't want to talk about it because it would make her upset. So, I paused for sec, then I asked her if it had to do with Andrew (most simple of the questions). She nodded, and I asked if it was her or him (referring to who was upset....) She just started bawling and I felt that scar open back up. Of course I still care for her, she let me go, not the other way around. She told me Andrew was leaving this weekend for Europe and he would be gone for a while. She was supposed to go see him before he left, and for one reason or another, she now didn't have the money to go. She said she didn't know what to do. She barried her face in her hands to try hiding her tears. I said I would loan her money so she could go see him. It is amazing... even after all that has happened, and all this time, she still can look at me the way she did. I saw the Charity I once fell in love with again for a brief second in those eyes. Now she was bawling cause she couldn't believe I was loaning her the money. She jumped accross the table and clung to me saying that I was the sweetest guy on earth. Her and I were late for choir that day. We just walked to class late. Didn't really care. Throughout choir, she would run up and cling to me and give me tight hugs saying thank you. I felt really good. I can't explain what I really felt seeing her happy. Maybe it is because I made her happy for once in a long time. Wow...

Today, she came up to me, and told me something that blew me right out of the water. She said "I told Andrew, and he couldn't believe his ears. He hold you in the highest regard, and is now convinced you are a wonderful person. He said he was gonna pay you back with his next paycheck and thank you so much." That made my day. I think Charity realized I don't love her anymore, but I love her like my sister. She knows that I love her, and she knows I am happy with Molly. We were close friends today. Really close. She was always smiling in my presence, and she always gave me those eyes when I greeted her. In youth, she wanted to be my partner in this winking game her and I taught the youth many years ago... she also sat next to me, and let me help her make Kool-ade! *lol* So yeah, a pretty good day overall. I just wish I could talk to Molly. Chat is so ..... un-experiencing... no... thats not it... on the phone, its easier to find something to talk about. When I chat with her online, I usually end up having to say something to her, and I get a one or two word response. On the phone, she does a lot of talking. And I learn more about her. Online, she don't tell me anything. And she doesn't pay attention to me alot. Other chat windows, books, studies, etc etc. I like one on one... that way I know I have her undivided attention and with that I know she will talk more. Just another think to rant about. Oh well, nothing serious. *wishes he could recieve phonecalls during the late night* Then she would come to me with a problem, or call me when she can't sleep, and I could use my voice to lure her to sleep. It sucks not being able to pyshically be there when she needs someone because she ends up running to someone else. It sucks even more not being there in anyway, but a text box... damn it.... I hate that part of our relationship... its so... different.... it sucks. I want to be with her, as much as possible, in anyway, even if it is a chat box. Thats why I get online any time that I can (even during school 1st, 3rd and 4th hours.) The recent absense of her in my life lately has dragged my spirit down. So I need her more then usual. She is the only one I come to with all my problems, (except for you my dear old blog, but I don't put all my secrets with anyone... I spare them out according to the type, or association of the person) Like Molly, I tell all my sexual secret, fantasy, dreams, stories, love, poetry to her. My blog, my social underaspering moods and emotions. My good days and bad days too. Dave and Brian.. war stories. Nessa, relationship problems, and CHarity, well, I am there to pick her up when she falls down anymore. Thats it. I feel like I am not the only one that does this either. Molly don't put much about her persoanl life on a blog. Just her day to day significant events that really dont matter to her if hte world knows. Anything that bothers her deeply, or she does, I have to dig out of her if I want to knwo something. Unless asked, she don't tell me. Hmmm, I need to work on that part.... *notes to get Molly to tell him more stuff* Brian and I have been through alot of the same shit too. Mainly relationship stuff.... we dated the same kind of energy, money, life draining whooo....women.... and felt the back lashes. So if he needs help, he comes to me, and if there is something bothering me about Molly and I, I go to him. He is a good advisor I cant trust. Especially now that he knows my biggest secrets.

!!!----Which I request Brian, that you don't say or hint to any of it on here. Other friends of mine read this----!!!

So, life is an emotional roller coaster as usual. But, the next drop is coming up... and I am just along for the ride. When do I get off?

To Liz, Brian, Curt and any other challengers: I started practicing in Soul Calibur II tonight. Be prepared for Saturday night.... I am an Osmosis VG player.... therefore I whoop ass after a while... sure, I will loose in Halo the first hour.... but I will pick up my old skills in that game from 2 years ago and I will be near the top of the winning list. *smirks* Your all in trouble... and Brian.... your going down in Smash Brothers and 007... again.... and dont say I didnt beat you... Molly was there while she was distracting me and I still won. *laughs at them all*

I guess I am gonna go check on mom, and see how she is feeling.... She is really sick right now. Then I have to do the dishes. Good night folks.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 11:36 PM