The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

Mood: Hates Life

I know I said I would update last night, but I ended up having a chat with Scott, a friend of Molly's. We talked for quite a while. This last week has been one big emotional rollaer coaster. Last Saturday, I worked and when I got home, I found out my Grandpa had a heart attack. I wasn't going to go to the party, but after being hit with this, I decided I needed a party. I went and so many people were there. I walked in and Christina, Jessika and I think Brittany ran towards me and tackled me with hugs. Among them, Allyson, Nadine, Erin, Nichole, Angela, Jamie (the girl), Michelle, Justin (it was his 15th bday) Brad, Amanda, Dan, Candace, Josh, David, Jaime, Mike, and I. I am pretty sure thats everyone. We partied pretty hard. Electric guitars, plasma tv, surround sound, music, dancing, 13 pizza's, chips, a fridge full of refresments. I had such a good time there. About 12:30 the last of the girls left and it was Josh, Brad, Justin and I. We jammed on the electric guitars for a while. I played a variation of my new song on electric with distortion (hard rock style) and I have become a fan of my own song. I need to get an electric with switchs... So, anyways... we stayed up all night and went to Brad's church the next day. After church Brad brought me home and went back to Sunday school. I cleaned up my room, and Justin, Amanda, and Brad came over. Then Sara showed up and I helped her with her project. Just as Sara was leaving, Charity came over, and I helped her. She eventually left, and we just sat around watching some of the music videos that I created and then some funny videos. We went to youth group and I played And Now for the leaders. Came home and shortly after, went to bed. Monday was a horrible day, but thank god I can't remember most of yesterday. I remember talking to Scott while I was waiting for Molly, but she never showed up. I found out some things about them that kinda made me bummed. I was hoping it was a misunderstanding or it wasn't true. So I went to bed and got up. My favorite necklace broke on me this morning, and I was running around trying to get ready. I got to school, and found out my ACT forms are due this Friday, and mom didn't leave me money before she left on her cruise. DAMN IT ALL! I am so stressed right now. I stayed after school and ran a few miles to get my mind off my troubles. I lifted a few wieghts and over stressed my shoulder... damn. ANd I am out of muscle relaxer meds so I am really feeling it. Oh yeah, I also slept on my arm wrong last night which cause it to hurt like a bitch all day. So, I walked home form school, which took me about an hour and a half because i was lugging a really heavy abg on my shoulder. Dave stopped over and wanted to walk to town so I was like... -_- We walked down and bought Capachinos (doesnt care rightnow if it spelt wrong) then walked back. On our way home I stopped and rented Notting Hill. Its a movie Charity and I started to watch when we were Freshman and I never got to finish it. Ryan stopped in an hour ealier then we had planned and we hung out. SHortly after he showed up Molly logged online, and I talked to her. She told me that her and Scott did date, summer, october time, and after homecoming it kinda died off. But that wasn't one of the parts that bugged me. She told me many a times that nothing has ever happened between her and Scott. Tonight I asked her if her and Scott made out, and she told me yeah. Now my mind is in set that there are other things she has 'lied' to me about. And its causing my mind to wonder off into scenarios. I wanted to get serious with her so bad after the incident with Jessika and I. She didnt want to and she gave me the reason of her mom saying it might not be a good idea just yet. What right do I have to complain? I don't. I don't know what goes on at that end of my life. I came out and told her something I did that shouldn't have even mattered, and I could've kept a secret, but tonight I realized Karma is not really at all. If I do good, I don't get good. Had never really ever worked that way with me. It's the stupidest belief in the world and for a while there, Molly was getting me to believe in it. Every person has a choice of what they do, and they can't help if things happen to them. Things don't always happen for a reason either. *sighs* I just wish she would be totaly honost with me about everything, instead of lying about it, and waiting till I ask her specifics, or find out from another hand. Thats what Charity would do, and everytime, it pushed me further away. I am holding on tight so I don't fall backwards at all from her. I don't wanna ever loose an ounce of trust in her. Ever... I don't like fighting with her, I love her way to much. I love her way more then I loved Charity, which is a whole hell of a lot. It's been a while since I cried over a situation like this. Im not even really crying. I don't cry much anymore. Last year drained me of a lot of crying emotion. I just have tears in my eyes. Damnit. How much other stuff don't I know... what will I find out next time? Could it hit me in the heart? It wouldn't be so bad if she juist came out and told me everything. Infact I would probably love her more. But to find out... gawd... Im sorry, I am just so depressed about this right now. I also told Scott how I was threatend by him, and now I really am. Is he why she don't want to go steady? Is there other guys? Is she kissing other guys, and dating others, while I just stay here waiting for her? I feel like I am back with Brittany. Brittany told me to wait for her. But I knew I couldn't. Her and Nick can't break up. Its a damn near impossibility. She love's him to much but he is a dick head towards her. Charity said there is something about damsels in distress that always fall for me. But the fall is short then they get up and walk it off. Is she right? Geez.... I just dont know what goes on anymore. Maybe I can make it through tomorrow and Thursday before I break down, but I doubt it. I need some RnR right now... Most Extreme Elimination is on... I guess that will cheer me up.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 11:30 PM