The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch.

*sigh*... Sometimes, time knows how to hit you hard. I woke up this morning with a gap in my heart that was aching... I woke up and thought of Charity. This really took me by surprise. I haven't woke up and thought of her in forever. The feeling was like one of being hit in the stomach and having the wind knocked out of you. I clinched my aching chest and rolled back over and drifted back asleep. When I awoke... I completely ignored the previous wake ups thoughts. I sat down and started construction on my new comic site. While working on it, I suddenly became depressed. I missed the joy and happiness that Charity and I had when we started going out. My favorite memory... My favorite Christmas. I disregarded these thoughts, thinking "Fool, leave it!" Seconds later, I was dating something for the update. Then, it set switch's off in my head. I suddenly knew why I have felt this way all day, and suddenly horrible at this time. 12/23/03 is today's date. It was 5 pm when I started thinking of the good times. 12/23/00 5 pm'ish was when Charity and I became a couple and passed the limits of being just friends. It was the beginning of my favorite Christmas. It's weird how even in the back of the mind, subconsciously, without even knowing, something like that triggers painful memory's.

Last Night, mom and I were driving home. I asked her if this Christmas seemed different. She said no. But to me... its like the holiday season hasn't even started. Sure, I have heard the Christmas music on the radio... but, I don't feel the spirit of Christmas. I look at the lights and decorations, and there's nothing... there is no joy... I have even started to loose excitement in going to Charlotte or Molly's. I am still anxious to see her... but... it still won't bring the greatest feeling of the year to me. Something is wrong. Something in my life is dreary and dark, and I have yet to figure out what it is. Maybe it's the ripple effects of Justins presence in the past 2 years. Maybe its old wounds that won't heal until I have somebody to hold and love and laugh with everyday. I don't know. Maybe it's even the fact that this is my last year really being home, and not out on my own, and not having mom here on Christmas. After this year... will Dave and I still pummel my brother and cousin with snowballs out behind my house? Will acting like a little kid and using my imagination be the same next year? I don't know anything anymore. I just know suddenly, I want to crawl back into bed and wake up from this world of grey.

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 5:55 PM