The Journey Is More Important Than The Beginning Or The End.

It Haunts Me

I have had this haunting dream 3 times in the last two weeks. The dream starts out with me being a freshman again, christmas eve, the day after Charity and I got together. We are sitting in her basement (fellowship hall of the church). We are sitting near the fire place, drinking hot coca and talking. I remember being happy and loving christmas. Then she leaned over and kissed me. Thats when I woke and just laid there. I was mad, ...no angry. I don't know at who though. I know my heart felt like it was on fire. But, at the same time, there was an emmense pressure on my chest, like the feeling after you cry really hard and go to breath... a sob I guess some might call it. My heart was being tugged toward my feet. But why? I really don't know for sure. If you haven't figure it out, I am a strong believer in how love never goes away, it changes. Love always leave's a scar in your heart and even if that love changes to hate, a scar from love makes those feelings come back from time to time in the smallest of ways.

This week, Charity and I have fallen back away from each other. She is having a bad week, and the Xmas season is affecting both of our scars I think. That was the best Xmas that either of us ever had. Everything was perfect. And we were the happiest we have ever been. Well, me anyways. The first time I had the dream was the night I first heard the Christmas music for this year. I was listening to the station Charity got my mom and I addicted to... and I think my heart started yurning for all the god times to come back. I still remember the day her and I started going out. Perfectly... and it was awesome... I had my best friend, her and my brother. And we all played out in the snow. Not many people know the story so I'll tell it:

Charity and I became friends the fall of our Freshman year, I mean best friends. Everday, all day, hanging out. We trusted each other with everything. I started to realize what feelings I had for her, and when I felt them, I pushed them away for I lived by friends before anything. To this day, I still live by that. She started feeling the same way too after braking up with her 2nd or 3rd bf since we became friends, and one day, tried to kiss me. I wouldn't let her,a nd she became upset. Now, let's fast forward it to the 23rd of December 2000. My room, 4:30 pm.

We were waiting for my cousins b-day party to start. While showing her a magic trick, Joey asked us if we had kissed yet. She quickly replied with "No, he won't let me kiss him! And he won't ever kiss me even if I gave him the chance." Just then, I felt something inside me saying "Oh yeah?" and thats what I asked to. She dared me... and I did. I remember seeing her face go into total shock, and running to the bathroom accross the hall, shuting the door behind her. I walked out and sat on the couch to recap on what had just happen. I remember hearing her gargle and rinse her mouth. I snickered to myself. She came out after 5 minutes to ask me what had just happened. After talking for a minute, she asked me why I kissed her. Laughing I told her that wasn't even a kiss, and she told me to kiss her then. So I did. It lasted a good minute. And then, I explained to her how I had wanted to do that for 6 months. She kissed me again and then told me the same. David, my best friend, then showed up. The plans were to go outside and have a snowball war/king of the mountain contest. So we did so. Charity and I cuddled most of the time. Kissing off and on, while I was busy fighting off Joey and David. I remember David hitting me with an ice/snow ball right in the face. When I cleared my vision, Dave and I had a power struggle. Finally throwing him off balance and head first into the snow bank, I laughed at the sight of only his waist to his feet sticking out of the snow bank kicking everywhere. The funniest part was when David was chasing Joy though, and Joey ran to the other side of our propaine tank. Dave was on the direct opposite side (not realizing Joey was just on the other side ducking down). When Joey realized where David was standing, he popped up, shoved his hands forward at the snow pile on the tank, and fluffed David right in the face. I swear to god it was a scene right out a comic. (Gets thought.....hmmm). Anyways, David eventually threw me into a pile of snow and i laid there. Charity came over and asked me what was going on between us. I asked her out right then. She laid out the rules of the relationship. The number one rule was God was to be first. And, that is where I failied her. We failed each other. Things happened. We put each other before anything. Other rules were no sex, which is the promise that I kept to her, and we have to be in it for the looking for a husband/wife. That is the part that tore my heart up. We wanted it to be each other, but after 2 years, we knew the truth. Anyways, that was the first part of the night, and how we ended up together. If you would like to see the rest of the night, or the following weeks after posted, email me and I will see what I can do. Maybe one day I will write a love story? You know what is really ironic. We started going out at 5 pm and we broke up at 5 pm.

Tonight, I finally told Molly about this dream. I can talk to her about anything, but I think next time I will restrain myself because I think she was hurt a little. She mentioned Eric, her best friend, and how they have been inseperable for so long and why he would be the perfect guy to Marry... ouch... it stung. Then she had to get off, so we left off on what my music teacher calls a bad note. I know her and I have no title together... but... I love her. I am affraid of Eric now. I am gonna loose her the way I lost Charity. Well, you can't loose something you don't have to begin with right? I just wish, her and I could be together. That way, I can make a new scar to get rid of this old one.

"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface.
Consuming, confusing.
It's like your self control, the fear is never ending.
Controling, I can't seem,
to find myself again, my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there is to much pressure to take.)
I've felt this way before.... so insecure.

Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal.
Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real.

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me.
Distracting, Reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
Its haunting, how I can't seem...
To find myself again, my walls are closing in..."

Blogged by Marcus Morris at 9:15 PM